The Real Cop Wives of TikTok

And the 'badge bunnies' gunning for their husbands...

Gonna kick it off with four simple words: Blue Lives Matter Furry. You’re welcome!

This week, I wanna dive into a corner of the internet that has been making me laugh—or, like, audibly exhale through my nose—every time I think about it. It’s a place where eyebrows can never be too skinny; graphic tees go best with gray jeggings; and husbands are definitely, totally, absolutely not going to cheat. Unless they do.

That online space is Cop Wife TikTok.

#LEOW

Opening TikTok reminds me that not only am I going to die someday, I’m probably going to die confused. But Law Enforcement Officer Wife (get the acronym?) is fairly straightforward. Husbands go on duty for lengthy, indeterminate stretches of time. Wives mill around, think about the fact that their husbands are gone, and make TikToks.

Recurring themes include sisterhood with other LEO wives, fighting online with people who disrespect the police, loneliness, and how hard it is to be married to a law enforcement officer, especially “in 2020.”

And you know what? It does seem hard. If you’re @thin_blue_lindsey in 2020, your husband is probably pretty bitchy and on edge from dealing with “anteefah” and “The Black Lives Matter”; your coolest niece or nephew probably isn’t engaging with your Instagram content anymore; and the more you post about how hard you #BacktheBlue, the more likely a 15-year-old with a septum piercing is to back-search your Twitter account, find a post where you used slurs in 2013, and send it to the Parent’s Association you volunteer for. I do not envy their plight!

But frankly, LEO wives have bigger fish to fry than haters like me. While their husbands are in the streets protecting the Thin Blue Line (or whatever), these women are locked in another kind of battle against an ancient evil…

The Badge Bunny.

“Be gone, thot!”

Badge Bunnies are women who like to fuck cops. Yes, specifically cops. On purpose. I know! These women are loud, proud, and shameless in their cop lust.

This passion for dating cops, even married cops, makes these women the mortal enemy of LEO wives. There is, naturally, a responsive LEO wife genre in which they let badge bunnies know they are not to be messed with—because every girl pauses before they sleep with a confirmed un-bachelor and says, “Huh, I wonder if this guy’s wife is posting videos of herself lip-syncing warnings to women who try to fuck him. Better find out!”

Again, this lifestyle seems hard and stressful. But I have to wonder: Is it? Or do cop wives work themselves into a froth over the thought of a “badge bunny” whipping out a titty during a traffic stop the same way their husbands do when they treat the suburb they patrol like a “battlefield”? Are these two halves of a whole couple, creating excuses for their negative emotions without acknowledging that their own choices, the things they consume and do and believe, might be the reason they feel angry and shitty and hunted?

Anyway, if you wanna see more, I’d suggest browsing #leow, #leowife, #copwife, or #humanizethebadge for starters.

Blocked and Reported

• On Monday, September 26, the U.S. House Committee on Oversight Reform’s Subcommittee on Civil Rights and Civil Liberties “sent letters” to eight police departments, ID’ed in the Plain View Project, including the Dallas PD, St. Louis PD, Philadelphia PD, Phoenix PD, and Lake County Sheriff’s Office in Florida. The committee demanded to know how officers were disciplined, and what “training protocols” have been implemented to keep these cops from being racist online… again.

• On Thursday, September 29, Jonathan Lucas of the San Diego Police Department was suspended for posting an Instagram story with cry-laughing emojis at the memorial of Leo Ibarra… a man he shot and killed.

• On Monday, October 5, the De Soto Police Department of De Soto, Missouri, announced that it will be investigating social media posts about Officer James Daly’s Halloween lawn decorations… which included a fake grave mocking Michael Brown. It’s unclear whether Daly himself posted the photo to social media.

Questions, comments, corrections? (“You don’t know what it’s like to be a police officer” is not a correction.) Shoot me an email at k80way@protonmail.com, or DM me on Twitter.